“They w find the bla beaver…
They wa to catch scent…”

Stupid bad pressings – not even a real menu! Bah!

Now, for “Ivan the Terrible Parts 1 and 2” (wait? Did Matt say parts 1 AND 2?). Yes, I did. For fear that “Netflix” wouldn’t have them, or that I read Jason’s list of the films wrong, I went ahead and ordered BOTH films (even though Jason just watched Part 2 – I assume, since I haven’t read his review). So, you lucky reader, you get to read reviews of BOTH films. Don’t worry this won’t take long.

First, Part 1:

The film opens with Ivan being crowned Tsar of Russia. It’s all done in a cathedral (which would come later) and there’s lots of “God Mumbo Jumbo” and blessing this and blessing that. But before the fingerprints have faded off the crown you’ve got warring factions already pissed and ready for bear.

Now I talk a lot in my screenwriting class about NOT using expository dialogue…in this film they really had no choice. So the moment that Ivan is Tsar of Russia you’ve got these groups saying, basically: “We, the boyars, are PISSED. He’s not OUR Tsar.” “We the ______ (insert name here) are PISSED. He’s not OUR Tsar.” “We the __________ (insert long name here) are PISSED. He’s not OUR Tsar.” And this goes on for about 15 minutes. In fact the whole ceremony in the cathedral lasts about 30 minutes of the films 90 minute running time.

And before you can say “George W. Bush” – Ivan declares that they’re going to go to war with EVERYONE. And everyone’s got to pony up their share of the loot to fight these wars – even the Church (which, of course, pisses the church off).

Now, as much as I wanted to get to the “The Terrible” part – there really wasn’t much power wielding. Still, you have the factions above who are, still, PISSED and they choose to exact revenge by poisoning Ivan’s wife. But, before this (I think…I nodded off a couple times) Ivan is stricken ill and given last rites and everyone thinks he’s dead but he COMES BACK TO LIFE (this would be the first Christ allegory – it wouldn’t be the last). Distraught over his wife’s death (he doesn’t figure out she’s been poisoned by the bastard boyars until the 2nd film) he goes into exile leaving the country to, I guess, run itself or something. Oh, if only GWB had gone into self exile…

While in exile the country falls into ruin?? (I don’t really know as I, uh, nodded off a few times.) And a group of people (from the church?) goes in search of Ivan. This proved to be the most spectacular shot as Ivan sits high above his summer home (?) and there is a line of 1,000 extras stretching serpentine throughout the vast wasteland. I’m thinking to myself: “This film was made in 1944 – wasn’t Russia at WAR at this time? Were they really wasting funds hiring extras and making this film?”

At the end of Part 1 Ivan has decided to come back from his stay at the spa and regroup and kick some ass.

Thus Part 2 starts. Ivan is back in control and, GUESS WHAT??, people are STILL pissed at him (power, why do people want SO MUCH POWER?). In fact, it’s those wacky boyars again and in a flashback we learn, I think, that Ivan’s mother was killed by the boyars. Well, he still figures out that they killed his lovely wife Anastasia and he’s pissed now. Golly gee, there’s going to be some blood-shedding TONIGHT!

Then you know what happens? The film turns into: “Ivan The Terrible – THE MUSICAL!” Seems this elder chick from the boyars has a great voice and she sings these songs about angels, and history and Christ, etc. And the decision is made that Ivan’s flitty stupid Nephew should take over the throne after they kill the Tsar. Another guy is hired to kill Ivan and the film SUDDENLY GOES ALL TECHNICOLOR with some great Russian dancing and MORE SINGING! It’s a FRIGGIN PARTY!

Still, heavy is the head who wears the crown, and Ivan spends another good portion of the film quoting Christ and lamenting his soul and getting his stupid Nephew drunk. The Nephew comes clean that an assassination plot is under way and that he’ll be the new Tsar once Ivan is dead. In a brilliant stroke, Ivan says: “Hey, yeah, let’s check you out in some of the robes, dog, see how stylin’ you be, flash.” So that’s what they do.

Now, I don’t know how you confuse an old guy with shallow eyes, a scraggly beard and over all cranky demeanor with some young guy with blond hair and short beard and over all drunken demeanor…but that’s what the assassin does and kills the Nephew.

Note, at this point in the film, the musical numbers are over (for now) and the film has gone into a sepia tone much like a silent film. No more Technicolor fun for you! Oh, and we’re back in the Cathedral.

Once the Nephew is killed, the old boyar lady announces that the Tsar is dead and the Nephew is now Tsar (through some Florida re-count). But the Tsar shows up AGAIN (will this guy EVER die?) and shows the truth to this plot and the lady is caught and the assassin is let go (see, he’s not THAT terrible).

I think it’s at THIS point that the Tsar says: “I’m now terrible!” Or that might have been in the first film. Still…you get the feeling as the film ends that there’s going to be a lot of beheading going on soon enough. We just don’t get to see it.

What I liked:

Golly, this is a hard one. I found both films INTERESTING, jut not very good. But, what did I like? Well, Eisenstein’s camera angles and some of the things he did visually were fantastic. The guy really knows how to set up the camera. Some of the artwork in the background was kick-ass. And the scene with a thousand extras was stunning.

It was always watchable (except when I fell asleep).

What I didn’t like:

There was, basically, no story in Part I. Part II the story was stronger but I really didn’t care.

The acting was all WAY OVER THE TOP to almost comical effect. The switch to color and musical numbers seemed over-dramatic and over-padded but, hey, it’s a Russian film, what was I expecting?

Also…the versions of both films were NOT part of the Criterion/Janus collection but, instead, a more “public domain” pressing of the films. In other words, the film quality was not that good. The subtitles were in white so often times I would see:

“We the bo ar wa t him de !”

I’d have to move my head back and forth to try and read what it said completely often time losing that subtitle to the next one I could barely read. And there was also that annoying: “Let’s speak in Russian for two minutes and have it translate to: “That Ivan, he’s a terrible guy.”

Bottom line:

The films were vastly and completely flawed in many ways. No story in Part I, little more story in Part II. Not enough “terribleness” for my liking. Still…the films were watchable if only for the simple fact that Eisenstein knows how to set up the camera and compose shots in a way that both convey the story and are artistic. But to what end if you have no real story to tell?

They were “okay.” Still I would say that Part II is much better than Part I (maybe why Janus links to that one) but, honestly, I wouldn’t waste my time with either of them….unless you are REALLY bored and have a hankerin’ for some good ol’ fashioned Russian cinematography.