SKIPPY’S OUTTA JAIL

CHORUS:
Skippy’s outta jail (boy oh boy!)
Fills my teenage heart with joy
Ain’t makin’ license plates no more
He’s a different man, fer sure!

“When’s he comin’ home?”
My girlfriends say
He’s comin’ home tonight!
Comin’ to stay!

He can grow his hair
And watch TV
And he can make
A happy girl of me

He can clean his guns
And sharpen his knives
And he can cut short
Small animals’ lives

CHORUS

Skippy’s comin’ home
His time is done
“Oh Skippy!” I giggled
“Where’d you get that gun?”

I love Skippy
And he loves me
We’re gonna have us
A family

CHORUS

“Oh, Skippy, come on
Don’t shoot that cat!
I love you, babe
Don’t do that!”

Now we’re runnin’
Across the state line
That’s fine with me
‘Cos that man is mine

CHORUS

CAPTAIN KANGAROO STOLE MY CAR

Last night I got a bomb threat
They called me on the phone
There’s a Nazi in my neighborhood
And he won’t leave me alone

Walked out my door this morning
My mailbox was on fire
From my driveway I heard
The sound of squealing tires

I turned around to see
A stout man in my car
A moose sat beside him
“Hey, I know who they are!”

CHORUS:
I never thought I’d see it
How could this be true?
Captain Kangaroo stole my car
And I don’t know what to do

He sent a ransom letter
And signed it at the bottom
“Want to see your kids again?
Guess what, sport? We got ‘em!”

“I want a jillion dollars
All in unmarked bills
And if you don’t, we’ll take your car
And push it down a hill!”

A metric ton of ping-pong balls
Suddenly fell on my head
I felt a seething hatred
I started seeing red

CHORUS

So I tracked down Captain Kangaroo
The law wasn’t on my side
I armed myself with rifles
Gunned down his moose’s hide

I took Mr. Greenjeans hostage
I said, “I want my kids set free!”
The Captain started to worry
I was serious, he could see

So I got my children back
Gave the Captain to the cops
Took the kids back home
The nightmare had been stopped

CHORUS

Today I got a phone call
“This is J.P. Patches – Hi!
I heard what you did to my friend
Now you’re gonna die!”

ROCK AND ROLL IS PRETTY COOL

Rock ‘N’ Roll is pretty cool
We play real loud and act like fools
The stage is bright; the fans are drunk
The singer’s dressed like a drugged-out hunk

Oh, the guitarist looks all hot ‘n’ sweaty
The guitarist looks so nice ‘n’ pretty
The bassist plays such a lovely drone
The keyboardist’s notes make the whole song groan

CHORUS:
But, hey! I love that Rock ‘N’ Roll
I just can’t seem to get enough
With blastin’ amps and screamin’ guitars
You can tell that we’re all tough!

There’s groupies sprawled out in the hall
There’s fans outside, havin’ a brawl
We’re in the hotel room, makin’ a mess
“WE LOVE YOU ALL! GOODNIGHT! GOD BLESS!”

CHORUS

MIRAGE

How many times have you wished you could be
Down on Gilligan’s Isle?
All day to play, with no rent to pay
Whistling all the while

Oh yes

SACRILEGIOUS SOUR CREAM

(Part IV of “Evil Dairy Products”)

Prologue:
In a dusty old back room in Mexico
Full with sweat and stories and smoke
A medicine man with wild eyes and red skin
Gripped my arm tightly and then spoke:

“Our people, they once stood proud
And our land, it once grew green
But now, our wealth has vanished
Thanks to that darn Sour Cream!”

The Medicine Man’s Story:
When the white man brought us this gift
We thought it would taste really yummy
We didn’t know that this white sauce
Would turn out to be so crummy

When this condiment of Satan
Had finally gained our trust
Our elder men fell prey to its spell
Their spirits turned to dust

It lay in wait in taco salads
Burritos and enchiladas
A pot of the finest Sour Cream
Sold for over fifty dollars

Once inside its unknowing victims
This putrid byproduct of moo juice
Would attack the nervous system
To attempt a cure… it was no use

Those who ingested the evil dairy product
Were considered fortunate if they died
If they lived, they would begin to shrink
“I’m turning into Gary Coleman!” they cried

The tortured souls turned heretical
Scorning the faith of their friends
“Lettuce worship is no longer required!”
They would scream ’til they got the bends

“It’s OK to marry a cow
As long as it’s the right sex!”
Proclaimed the possessed short black men
As our priests they began to vex

Then came the Honduran Inquisition
To question this infernal Cream of Mammon
Burning cows at the stake
And breaking up games of backgammon

Then they handed down their decree:
“Sour Cream, you’re out of town!”
The inquisitors, having naught to do
Starting pushing little kids around

Epilogue:
“So now, this place is… kinda better
What with Sour Cream being gone, and all
But now we’ve got these bloody Hondurans
It’s enough to make you howl!”

I said to the shaman
“Well, that may be
But, what I want to know is…
Do you like to waterski?”

SWEET SONG OF THE VOID

I’m the Void
I play bass
Like what you hear
Now

It’s nice
Playing bass
It’s fun
Let me tell you

Trees
Growing tall
Way up high
I like trees

CHORUS:
Where’s my dog?

I’m a guy
In a band
A Rock ‘N’ Roll band
I play bass… you know?

Annette and He’s
Pick on me
They don’t like me
I think

Once I fell asleep
During my solo
(I play bass)
Too bad… He’s got mad

CHORUS

Zig Ziglar
Is my friend
I like Zig
Wow… this song’s long

I work
At a store
I’m a mannequin
Sometimes at night

Other times I don’t
I play bass
Did I say that before?
I’m the Void

CHORUS

WHEN I WAS A PORCUPINE

(Annette’s Lament)

CHORUS 1:
When I was a porcupine
I never had to worry at all
But now my life is full of signs
That I’m heading for a fall

Used to be if you crossed me
I’d stick it to you, really stick it
It was a hairy situation
For a collie, or a whippet

But now, I’m just a person
And Rock ‘N’ Roll’s my life
I wear my spikes and chains
And carry a hunting knife

I used to forage for my breakfast
But that was long ago
Now I fry some eggs
Or pour a bowl of Cheerio’s

CHORUS 2:
When I was a porcupine
I could shoot you full of quills
But I’d rather be the singer
In a band that really kills

I used to be a rodent
But I’ve forgotten what it’s like
Just sit right back there, dude
And let me sing into my mike

I miss my porcupine life
But, on the other hand
I never saw a porcupine
Sing in a Rock ‘N’ Roll band

Porcupines don’t have love
And they can’t get too close
To any other porcupines
Was I happy, do you suppose?

CHORUS 1

WE’RE STILL GREAT

Well, the critics say
That we really make
Our few fans cry
But don’t ask us
‘Cos we don’t know why

Our records stink
That’s what Meese thinks
We should be banned
“But, how can we?”
We ask our fans

CHORUS:
Though everyone
Seems to hate us (we hate you)
And though no girls
Want to date us (we won’t date you)
We can still say
And not hesitate:
“WE’RE STILL GREAT!”

Hey, our sales smell
They don’t do too well
But don’t buy the talk
Just sit down right there
And hear us rock

CHORUS

Hey, look we know
Our talent shows
But when we play live
Why is it
So many hide?

We just wish
That we could be rich
But how can we
When nobody
Will give us green?

CHORUS